WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Office of Accuracy (FOA) announced today that it has completed its fifth consecutive year of making up statistics, citing a 412 percent increase in productivity and a 98 percent reduction in stubborn facts.
The milestone follows the dismissal of the agency’s last remaining fact-checker, Thomas Bell, 58, who still carries a pocket calculator and believes “numbers should correspond to things.”
Bell was terminated after an internal investigation revealed that he had spent fourteen hours last month consulting original documents, including three that questioned FOA policy.
“Reality was responsible for 83 percent of our operational bottlenecks,” explained Acting Deputy Director Jennifer Keene, 46, a career bureaucrat who once awarded herself Employee of the Month for eleven consecutive months.
“Since eliminating verification, we have increased accuracy by 600 percent. Nobody has challenged a single number.”
Under the agency’s Self-Adjusting Knowledge System, reports are generated from summaries, summaries are generated from PowerPoint presentations, and PowerPoint presentations are generated from whatever the director said at lunch.
Senior Vice President of Alignment Metrics Douglas Wheat, 63, who keeps a framed photograph of a pie chart on his desk, described the arrangement as revolutionary.
“Previously statistics had to be supported by evidence,” Wheat explained. “Now evidence is whatever supports the stats.”
Agency statistician Rachel Moore, 39, who maintains a personal collection of counterfeit measuring tapes, demonstrated the new methodology by announcing that employee morale had reached 118 percent.
When asked how morale could exceed 100 percent, Moore explained that employees were now permitted to be happy on behalf of colleagues who were not.
Upon learning of his being made redundant, Bell said the FOA was no longer to explain what it actually does.
His complaint was referred to a committee, converted into a dashboard, and ultimately celebrated as proof that the agency had achieved 110 percent mission flexibility.
While planning for next month’s anniversary celebration, Keene discovered another breakthrough: after five years of fabricated statistics, the agency had achieved perfect correlation.
“Every decision we have ever made has been correct,” she declared, citing a comprehensive review of all previous comprehensive reviews.
Her planning was interrupted when Keene learned that the office had been operating for only four years. She immediately called an emergency meeting, where officials voted unanimously to make it six.
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