Ordering a well-done steak remains legal in all fifty states, but chefs believe it should at least require a permit, a psychiatric evaluation, and written permission from the steer.
President Trump is the country’s most notorious well-done steak enthusiast, preferring his beef cooked beyond recognition and covered in ketchup, a combination that causes chefs to reconsider their support for democracy. He would also like Wagyu beef renamed American beef, although his cooking instructions make its country of origin impossible to establish.
At Manhattan’s upscale restaurant Le Bœuf Indigné, executive chef Antoine Mercier, 54, a French culinary perfectionist who once ended a friendship over microwaved brie, considers ordering a well-done steak an act of vandalism.
“When somebody orders a $70 filet mignon well done, I tell the kitchen to use the cheapest grade of filet we have,” Mercier explains. “After twenty minutes on the grill, nobody can tell the difference anyway.”
Mercier instructs servers to ask customers who order well-done steaks if they would like them cremated with full military honors. Not everyone appreciates the ridicule.
Gerald Pritchard, 63, a retired plumbing contractor who considers black pepper an exotic spice, defends his preference after returning a steak that still contained detectable moisture.
“It’s my money,” Pritchard says. “I want my meat cooked all the way through. I don’t want anything bleeding on my plate.”
The server explains that the red liquid from a steak is largely water and myoglobin, not blood. Pritchard remains unconvinced.
“Then cook the myoglobin,” he demands.
Mercier complies, returning the steak ten minutes later looking like a charcoal briquette garnished with parsley.
Pritchard pronounces it excellent and requests ketchup. Mercier resigns before dessert.
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